so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
