i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
