So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
