Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
