Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
