Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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