So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
