I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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