Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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