If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
