I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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