Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
