Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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