The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
