At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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