I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
