dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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