I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
