so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
