Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
