the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
