i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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