I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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