I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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