So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
sarcasm needs its own font
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
