in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
