how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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