hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
