sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm having to shit out rocks
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