He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
