I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
