Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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