My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
