why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext