Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
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We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
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How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...