You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
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You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
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My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.