in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...