he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
