i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
