I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
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If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
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I'm way too hungover for life right now
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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