Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
