the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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