Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
