We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
