I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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