As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
