i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
