I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
