Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
