so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
