My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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