this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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