you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
