This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
