my shit smells like andre
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
