awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
