Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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