theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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