Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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