before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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