a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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