I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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