Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
