I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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