i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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